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2017 Championship Game Naming Tournament - Final Results
Introduction My, oh my, what a long strange trip it has been. Welcome to our last Tournament Tuesday. Today we announce the winner of the final competition and the winner of the off-season. We’re going to do this SportsCenter Top 10 style, starting from the bottom and working our way up. But wait, theres more! Because we aren't just naming our championship game today... Five other names are being assigned today in addition to the big game! IMPORTANT DATES Before everyone starts skipping paragraphs, which I know most of you do, here are the important dates remaining on our off-season calendar. * 8/6 Dues Payment Deadline * 8/9 Schedule/Draft Order Release Write-up * 8/23 Keeper Deadline** (after this date if you have not submitted keepers to me you don’t get keepers) * 8/24 Keepers Announced * 8/27 LoC Draft - 8pm ET (That’s 8pm Rhode Island time, not 8pm California time, not 8pm London time) * 9/3 Week 1 Power Rankings Write-up * 9/7 Week 1 Kickoff **Regarding keepers, I want to reiterate the rules because some seem to continually not be reading them: * You get two keepers from any round AFTER the second. * The player costs you one pick higher than they were drafted last year. * Undrafted free agents cost a 6. * YOU HAVE TO SUBMIT KEEPERS THROUGH THE YAHOO WEBSITE BY 8/23. I have no way to see if you have done this or not. If you do not do it before that deadline, there is nothing I can do about it. If you have trouble doing this I will walk you through it. I will post more about this on the 9th. Tie-Breaker Update This part hurts. It turns out that Nate was on the correct side of history after all. Unfortunately, Yahoo does not have a feature that allows the regular season standings tie-breaker to be determined by head-to-head record. Only division winners can be determined that way, and we have no divisions. Tie-breaker It will remain as is. Put one 2017 victory on the board for Nate. LoC Random Answers of the Week How Many Games will the Falcons Win This Year? 8 of 9 said the Falcons would win 6-9 games this year (nice). But the shocking part is that Burns was the guy that said 10-12. Pat trying not to jinx the team by choosing 6-9 (nice), then Burns trying to sneaky put down a Burns jinx? Will the Falcons Beat the Patriots in Foxboro This Season? 8 people said "No, Pat Needs Help." And only Patrick, who needs help, thinks the Falcons stand a chance at beating New England. Finish This Sentence: “I Will Leave the League if…” Pat ever wins LoC Championship - Luckily something we never have to worry about. Nate ever wins a championship - Let me check the temperature in hell real quick. Oh, yup, still not frozen, we good. I either go undefeated or winless. Going out on a high note or in total shame! - Seeing as this was Papa’s entry and he is destined to finish in 6th or 7th place for all of eternity, I’m not concerned about this scenario. I die. That’s about It - A man still competing for the “Whoever Died First” Memorial Bowl. I respect that. Ralph Rottengrape Joins...can’t be trusted - I suppose I have to admit, I do have an alter ego who goes by the name of Ralph Rottengrape. Having spent 5 years in an Italian prison for a petty crime and maybe killing a couple people, Ralph has now returned to America to run shit. But I wouldn’t worry about him, he isn’t big into fantasy football. Shotti poops on us again - Shotti, if you are reading this, please do not defecate on us again. Too many changes are made. I won't actually leave. I'll just deal with it. This is my favorite league and the only one I care about. - What a ride. First off, I will never make too many changes. I want this to always be everyone’s favorite league. You think I enjoy running a 365-day a year empire? It’s tiring. I do it for the people. Secondly, thank you for caring. There is a league leaving competition for off-season points - I am awarding ten 2018 off-season points to the person who wrote this. Chris wins the championship - Someone isn’t a big fan of eggplant. I’ll leave them anonymous so Chris can sleep with one eye open wondering who is gunning for him. Who Will Be the 2017 LoC Champion? * Chantel says: Not Pat * Burns says: Patrick * Nate says: Hopefully someone new * Zach says: Anyone but Shotti * Shotti says: Shotti * Ma ma momma says: ma ma momma said * Papa says: Commish * Chris says: Me or the Commish, we’re due * Patrick says: the Falcons The general consensus is that we are all happy as long as Patrick and Shotti don’t win. Basically one person has a target on their back for being the best team to ever walk the league and the other has a target on their back because we couldn’t stand the humiliation of the league’s worst team winning a trophy. Are You Ready for some Football? Unanimous “yes.” Anyone who said no was going to automatically be kicked out of the league so congrats on passing that test. For the next test, everyone wire me $100. Okay, just kidding (unless you want to?). Before we hit the 2017 season running we have some unfinished business. Let’s get to the main event! The 2017 Off-Season Competition Standings Countdown 10th Place * Team: Burns * Off-Season Point Total - 26 * Tournament Names - The Infinity Cup, The Cup of Groot Burns had a negative-84 points heading into the naming tournament but was able to snag 100 for the Infinity Cup victory over NaCL. Once again, both names were created by his kids. Cup of Groot had a lot of support, but both names went up against titles that made the Final Four. Overall, pretty awful showing this summer. Championship hangover maybe? 9th Place * Team: Zach * Off-Season Point Total - 495 * Tournament Names - The North American Coastaly Located (NaCL) Porpoise Payoff, The I Wan Da Gol Game SHOCKING name submissions from arguably the funniest guy in the league. I Wan Da Gol came in at a tournament low 1-vote. NaCL also didn't make it out of the First Four despite an easy matchup. Zach can now safely pay his dues. What a relief, huh? 8th Place * Team: Shotti * Off-Season Point Total - 623 * Tournament Names - The Heavyweight Championship, All the Marbles Game Hey, Shotti needs to conserve his points for the regular season. His off-seasons are all about strategizing new ways to break Nate’s heart. 7th Place * Team: Patrick * Off-Season Point Total - 623 * Tournament Names - The Million Dollar Game, The “Whoever Dies First” Memorial Bowl With all the variables this off-season it is absolutely mind-bottling that both Patrick and Shotti finished with exactly 623 points. Jared, if you could run some numbers on the probability of this happening that would be great. Two solid submissions here. Million Dollar Game had a decent run. Whoever Dies First was a controversial name because everyone hates the thought of their own mortality. But strong showing from Paddock 9. 6th Place * Team: Papa * Off-Season Point Total - 1166 * Tournament Names - Terminator Bowl, Lord of the League Bowl Papa had a chance to take the off-season tournament but the Game of Games upset over Lord of the League put an end to that. Papa opted to go for a movie theme here, with Terminator and Lord of the Ring franchise names. Terminator Bowl couldn’t make it out of the First Four. 5th Place * Team: Nate * Off-Season Point Total - 1514 * Tournament Names - The Patriots Cup, The Greatest Game of All-Time (GGoAT) of the Year Nate didn’t even know the name was an acronym for GGoAT until I pointed it out to him, so this one probably lasted longer than it should have. Nate was plenty disappointed when Patriots Cup didn’t make it to the Sweet Sixteen while Patriots Bowl did. Also, not for nothing, but the Patriots Cup loss to All the Marbles was yet another loss to Shotti. Even in the off-season, he cannot possibly escape. 4th Place * Team: Jared * Off-Season Point Total - 2586 * Tournament Names - The Gauntlet of the Gods, The Festival of Champions Jared had a chance to win the whole thing. At one point he was so close that by paying his dues he put himself in first place. But he needed his name to come through for him and Festival of Champions faultered against the Heart and Soul Bowl. 2nd Place * Team: Chris * Off-Season Point Total - 3334 * Tournament Names - The Patriots Bowl, The Battle of the Eternity (Skipping 3rd for a reason.) Chris submitted the "better" of the two Patriots names, but it ran into a powerhouse in the Sweet Sixteen. Chris also received a huge boost from his 3,000 point dues payment. Of course it hardly made a difference at that point since he was so behind in the standings. But hey, second place ain’t half bad. It’s not first place, but it’s not 9th, which is where you were before you paid your dues. Keep ya head up! The Final Four So we come to the final four names. The Eternal Glory Bowl, The Glory Bowl, The Heart and Soul Bowl, and the Game of Games. And we have two people left: Commish and Dee. Let’s take a look at the bracket with everyone’s names inserted in for their submissions. Some notable matchups here. Shotti beating Nate. Patrick beating Jared, then Zach, then losing to Commish. Commish beating Burns in both brackets (a little semi-finals revenge). Nate taking down Memorial Bowl in the North bracket, then going down to Commish in the Elite Eight. But most notable is the final four, where we see that the final three matchups were all Dee vs. Commish. Everyone else’s names have been out since the 27th of June. Dee - The Heart and Soul Bowl, The Game of Games Two fantastic names from Dee, who won 2016's Off-Season Tournament. Dee also gave us the F.A.T.E. earlier this off-season. Commish - The Eternal Glory Bowl, The Glory Bowl The Tournament and Off-Season Winners Are... The time has come. Please direct your attention to the embedded video for an important announcement from your Commissioner... Some commish’s just want to watch the world burn. And I was so close to having Glory Bowl vs. Glory Bowl, too. Until you meddling voters foiled my plans! That being said, I was genuinely SHOCKED when Heart and Soul Bowl went down to Glory Bowl. I thought for sure Heart and Soul would go all the way. But Game of Games snuck in and didn’t stand a chance against the mighty Glory Bowl, going down 6-3. So there you have it. Not only do I win the naming tournament but I take the honor of being the 2017 Off-Season Winner. All that means is everyone has to pay their dues, including me. What an unfair society. #PrayForCommish Glory Bowl VII will take place the 23rd-25th of December, with the league winner being awarded the Eternal Cup of Glory just before midnight on Christmas. Final Off-Season Standings 1. Commish – 4358 2. Chris – 3334 3. Chantel – 3284 4. Jared – 2586 5. Nate – 1514 6. Papa – 1166 7. Shotti – 623 8. Pat – 623 9. Zach – 495 10. Burns – 26 The Festival of Champions I told you the championship game wasn't the only game getting a name, didn't I? Henceforth, the championship bracket will be named... The Festival of Champions Each year six lucky teams will earn their place in the Festival, with two making it all the way to the Glory Bowl, and one competitor receiving the Eternal Cup of Glory. The Gauntlet of the Gods Furthermore, each year the league’s reigning champion will finish off the regular season schedule by facing former champions. This is a rite of passage, a test to see if the former champ has what it takes to win it all again. As you will see, this season Shotti finishes off the season against the three other champions. This end-of-season path will HENCEFORTH be known as the Gauntlet of the Gods. Successfully run the gauntlet, and take that momentum with you into the Festival of Champions, where you can hopefully clinch a spot in the Glory Bowl and hoist the Eternal Cup of Glory. That sentence just took me from six to midnight. Thank you, Jared, for coming up with some impressive names for our league. Bowl Week Step right up Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tinman, Cowardly Lion...I have a few more presents to hand out for completing your journey to Oz. ---- The 7th Place Game Like I said, nothing shocked me more than seeing Heart and Soul Bowl go down in the Final Four. I was happy, don’t get me wrong. I think Glory Bowl fits perfectly, but I’m a little biased. But fret not, for there is a place in the league for the Heart and Soul Bowl. HENCE-motherfucking-FORTH... the 7th place game will be called ''the Heart and Soul Bowl.'' Why, you ask? Because if you are in the consolation tournament you have close to zero desire to keep playing. You already missed out on a chance to win the league and you’re probably like “yeah fuck this whoever is in the starting lineup I’ll just leave in there." Well, if you win both consolation games, you have some heart, and you have some soul. Because you care so much about this league that you are giving it your all even though you’ve already been eliminated. As reward, you get to hold your head up high, having salvaged a tiny bit of your season and gained control over three other teams come draft day the next summer. ---- The 9th Place Game When you think of Cinderella story, you think of Million Dollar Game. For some reason the voters couldn’t get enough of MDG. What was so great about this name? My theory is that it was sort of ironic. You play the Million Dollar Game and you only win $100. Well, I couldn’t bring myself to let Million Dollar Game go quietly into the night. So what makes even less sense than naming the 1st place game the Million Dollar Game? Naming the 10th place game the Million Dollar Game! Henceforth (I SAY I SAY I SAY HENCE-UH-FORTH-UH!), the 10th place game will be called ''the Million Dollar' '''Game.'' Win that game and you will feel like a million bucks, having been spared the embarrassment of finishing last in the league. You can call yourself the Million Dollar Game champ. You can take a little bit of swagger back and ride it all the way through the off-season. The loser of the Million Dollar Game, on the other hand, is even more humilated than ever before. ---- The 3rd Place Game That leaves us with the third place game. Now if you look at our tourney name list, there isn’t much left to choose from. At least nothing that is befitting of the 3rd place game. But I glanced back at the trophy tournament and found just the name. Nate, you have played in the 3rd place game a remarkable four times in six seasons. No team has lost so many semi-finals games. In honor of this astounding achievement, I am henceforth christening the 3rd place game: The Salty Dolphin Bowl! ---- In Conclusion So there you have it, Bowl Week 2017. Set to run 12/19-25, Bowl Week will consist of: * Glory Bowl VII - 1 v 2 * The Salty Dolphin Bowl - 3 v 4 * The Heart and Soul Bowl - 7 v 8 * The Million Dollar Game - 9 v 10 Thank you to Commish (you’re welcome, me), Zach, Chantel, and Patrick for these great names, as well as Jared for our tourney name and trophy name. You may be wondering what we are calling the 5th place game, which is played in week 15. Well, I guess we’ll have to wait for 2018 naming tournament season for that one… What’s Next? Nate has selected his first three opponents and the 2017 schedule has been created (like two months ago and it has been killing me keeping it a secret). On August 9th, two weeks from tomorrow, the schedule and draft order will be revealed and analyzed. We’ll go over matchups to watch and list the top questions heading into 2017.